I don’t know how normal it is to mourn the loves I once had, and even the ones I almost had. I don’t know whether there is a cure to the human condition of loves of the past, and those in the present. It is so easy to form a human bond, but nearly impossible to sustain it as an infinite connection through time and space, as physically together for long. Why is that? And is that normal?

I don’t know how heavy or weightless my sweet, tired heart will be at the end of my days, but I know for certain that it will have been made brave and kind and soft, through the scars, through the pain and weight of being shared with others. I know that it will be something that has been filled, and depleted, on many occasions. I hope at the end of it’s days, it will be happy and grateful to have lived a full life.

We are comprised of all of our experiences – the things we read, the people we meet, the places we travel to, and so much more. Even micro-moments have the power to change your life. Notice them.

An element of control can only go so far. There is working, tirelessly and painstakingly in the direction of what we believe in. And we, we believe in many things. Today, I felt confused; it felt as though I have been traveling to an end goal, of which I had no idea the destination. I’m glad I realized it. I think I’m spending time going in circles in search of many things including a love I’ve not known, a meaningful means to spend my life, and a guided philosophy for which to spend my days. 

All of the books I’ve read help me and my belief in the Islamic faith guides me. What I realized today is that I just keep going places, trying to smell the scent of answers, trying to understand before they are revealed, as though I am a teller of fortune. I need to redirect these thoughts in understanding the now, and being able to see what clues I’m leaving behind, and how I am living the recent present, and go from there. I think my anthem is being created.

I wonder where the notion of being, ‘found’ came from. I wonder why this is a theme in so many of our lives, and why we haven’t found the answer, or at the least, have more quickly come to the conclusion that the finding is in the self, rather than seeking outwardly. Maybe the design in the world is an illusion to the brighter side in the discovery of the self, if we are so fortunate. 

There are so many movies and tales of special people with special super powers. But what about the ordinary? What about the under-glorified heros of our times? Your upstairs neighbor? Or the assistant in the office? And why do they need to be dubbed as ‘super’ in order to actually be seen as such? Why can’t each human know, or at the least discover their secret sauce and embrace it more easily, without feeling the need to throw it in others faces or belittle the powers of others?

I have a lot of questions. The cool thing is that the creation of questions yeilds an opening of energy for answers. The best answers quietly float by when least expected. 

Anna Badrieh